My fitness “identity crisis”

Identity.

Most people who enter the gym for the first time are seeking a change. Mentally, physically, nutritionally…looking better and feeling better are at the top of that list for various reasons.

I was among the "New Year, New Me" people of 2018. What started as a journey to "look better and feel better" slowly became a routine. I was up before the sun every day to hit the gym. I was drinking water, eating more veggies, and researching all I could about dieting. From an outsider's perspective, I was doing great. I was losing weight and seeing body composition changes. I was proud of this, flexed constantly, and posted about it.

2019 - Here's where I start to lose me…

After endless hours of scrolling on social media for tips, tricks, and training, I started to take on the identity of everything I was investing my time in…without even realizing it.

Reduce the carbs?

Increase the carbs!

Calorie deficit?

Caloric surplus!

Cut it all out?

Add it back in!

High reps and low weight?

Low reps and heavy weight?

Do the cardio?

Stop the cardio!

I still don't look like that.

I still don't look like that.

I still don't look like that.

For two years, I was convinced I would become a bodybuilder. A year after that, I considered strongman and powerlifting competitions. A year after that, I wanted to be more athletic.

I wanted to be lean, I wanted to be jacked, I wanted to be fast, I wanted to be flexible. But at the end of the day, the scale determined my level of happiness, and I did not find myself.

2020, when the gym was closed, I realized I had morphed into whatever I gave my time and attention to and was blinded by being within the four walls of a gym.

Why was this dangerous? Because I was never happy. My eating fluctuated and calories were drastically low at times. It didn't matter how lean, muscular, strong, or flexible I was…nothing satisfied.

I found my metabolism in horrible condition.

My hormones were a mess.

I could not find my groove in anything I did because I was constantly comparing, and that meant that I felt like I sucked at everything.

Two years into it, I was comparing to someone who'd been training for 10+ years. I was even modeling my business after what appeared to be "successful" online and in my personal training experiences.

As we enter a new year, and maybe you are considering starting or restarting your health journey - do not allow your identity to become absorbed into an identity portrayed online by people you do not know. Don't be so easily persuaded by the hype. Your journey is YOUR OWN. It will be awesome some months, and it will be crappy other months. Inspiration should come from within you - From the things you value, prioritize, and love.

Exercise is humbling. When done right…everything is trained: endurance, strength, mobility, flexibility, and mental fortitude.

Nutrition is challenging. When done right… you'll uncover all of the trauma, habits, and destructive behavior you didn't know you had.

It wasn't until I started my business that a dear friend said, "Jess, what you offer is so different… it's so much more than a "before and after." Why does the way you market yourself look like all these other people?" Talk about a reality check. I was influenced by what I had seen and exposed myself to for years…but more than that, trying to be like everyone else and LIKED by everyone else reduced my confidence in MYSELF and removed what set me apart.

Today, I find myself in a place of gratitude - because I can move my body however I want to. The pressures of looking a certain way have melted off of me, and I can finally be happy with what I see, no matter its condition.

I find myself loving food, flavors, and nutrients. I freaking love rice bowls and will eat them shamelessly errrydayyyyy.

I'm saving money because I'm not buying $50 pre-workout and $60 protein powders every month.

There is JOY in being who you are.

There is a CONFIDENCE that develops when you press into who you are.

There is PEACE that settles in when you are yourself.

Your health journey can be where you become like someone else or flourish into who you were created to be.

My prayer for you - is that you would have the eyes to see you as your creator sees you. You'd uncover your power, potential, and purpose in the mess. You were created on purpose, for a purpose, and the world needs YOU…not another them. Be strong and courageous.

"In this way, we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't..."

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭4‬-‭6‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Love ya.

- Jess